It’s not always about compromise I was asked if the outcome of a constructive disagreement always involves compromise. It’s interesting that many people assume that resolution requires a degree of compromise or giving up something. When disagreements are managed maturely with good contact, avoidance of triangles and people expressing their own experience and perspective, there…
It’s natural to want to fix and change a child/adolescent who is struggling to manage life. Hence it may be a surprise to hear that a first positive stage for a parent who is worried about their child/adolescent is to figure out the predicable steps in parent – child and family interactions. This requires close…
How reactions and relationship to parents has shaped 2 contrasting courtship experiences. Hayley and Dan met at a mutual friend’s wedding. They experienced an immediate spark and keenly saw each other several times the week following their introduction. They both sensed that they shared much in common and matched each other creatively. It was easy…
“I know that my ‘self-talk’ in relationships tends to be negative and full of doubts. I need to work on improving this self-talk.” I wondered whether there was more to this than a case of negative self -talk. Together we began exploring the effects of the relationship reciprocity and not Helen’s individual cognitions. *Helen is…
Talking to a friend or family member about concerns you have about their parenting (or indeed any relationship) is a fraught arena. People are happy to hear their friend’s ideas about external things – professionals to go to, new family activities, and extracurricular offerings, holiday destinations – BUT none of us like to hear input…
The story of Helen who had put all of her focus on her relationship with her grandchild and had stopped working on having an adult relationship with her son Helen had awaited the birth of her first grandchild with excited anticipation. She had begun shopping for baby items and imagining holding this little piece of…
Sarah* was a competent health professional. She had years of experience assisting families with their children’s development. In her work life, Sarah was steady and confident. At home with her 3 young children it was a different picture. Sarah was gripped by anxiety about her 6 month old child. She was fearful that her son…
It is useful to appreciate that all humans have versions of the 4 instinctual relational sensitivities of attention, approval, expectations and distress. Julia described the way she came unravelled when others were given acknowledgement fortasks she has contributed to. She wondered why she was so sensitive to her boss’s approval and how tied it was…
Over my years of clinical practice I have met many people who either blame or idealise each parent. A parent can be described as ‘toxic’ with a resultant avoidance of relationship. Conversely when one parent is labelled as the ideal it can lead to setting impossible standards for self and for others to live up…
Recently I chatted with a woman who was distressed by the developing tension with her daughter –in- law. She was devastated that her son’s wife and mother to her 2 young grandchildren had conveyed that she no longer needed her regular visits. I asked about how she had been interacting with her son’s family and…
Are you a leader or a follower with your dog? Are you a leader or a follower with your children? I think there are some parallel principles to being a pack leader with a pet dog to being a parent leader with children. While clearly dogs and children have different needs and developmental trajectories…
“Are more of my energies going into reading and trying to manage relationships than going into my responsibilities?” The topic of resilience has been getting lots of attention over the past years. It seems that many have realised that it is more helpful to aim for improved resilience than increased happiness. The core of resilience…