Interventions and Confrontations – Are they the most helpful ways to respond to severe problems in a person we care for? Because I view a person’s symptoms as part of their system of relationships I now focus on expressing my own position in the relationship rather than focus on the problems in the other. Last…
How does a parent respond to a child slipping backwards in their functioning? – When children manage a new developmental task and then regress to behaving in an earlier more childish manner. In this current climate of anxious focus on children, giving attention to a child’s anxious or regressed episodes can happen automatically. It often…
Joe reflected on the progress he had made as a parent saying: “Over the last couple of years I had lost all confidence and direction as a parent with Chloe; but now it’s like I’ve got hold of the steering wheel again. Now when she’s pushing and pushing to get what she wants, I know…
Seeing triangles provides a key to unlocking ways to bring our best to our most important relationships. ‘Jenny, today when I heard you describe your triangle with your mother I thought: “Oh my goodness – You are fuelling the problem in your family!” I can see for the first time that I’m adding to my…
In a previous blog we met Pam and saw how she was interacting with her anxious son Hamish to try to get him to school. She described the details of her morning pattern with Hamish and her husband Bill (step dad to Hamish). Pam identified that her primary energy was being directed towards Hamish: worried…
What can one family member do to bring some maturity to a system where ‘cut off’ is occurring? I received the following question via Facebook. I have changed some of the details in order to write up my reflections as a public blog. “My question relates to my mum and my younger sister who have…
As a parent where is most of Pam’s energy directed? Is it to trying to handle her son? -Or reacting to Bill her husband and son’s step-parent? – Or towards managing herself in relation to her son and husband? It’s useful to think back over an…
Joe was beginning to see how his best efforts to help his daughter and family to have happy times together were actually contributing to a lowering of Chloe’s resilience. This is the next instalment in the story of one parent, Joe, as he worked to figure out how he could be a resource to his…
It’s not always about compromise I was asked if the outcome of a constructive disagreement always involves compromise. It’s interesting that many people assume that resolution requires a degree of compromise or giving up something. When disagreements are managed maturely with good contact, avoidance of triangles and people expressing their own experience and perspective, there…
It’s natural to want to fix and change a child/adolescent who is struggling to manage life. Hence it may be a surprise to hear that a first positive stage for a parent who is worried about their child/adolescent is to figure out the predicable steps in parent – child and family interactions. This requires close…
How reactions and relationship to parents has shaped 2 contrasting courtship experiences. Hayley and Dan met at a mutual friend’s wedding. They experienced an immediate spark and keenly saw each other several times the week following their introduction. They both sensed that they shared much in common and matched each other creatively. It was easy…
“I know that my ‘self-talk’ in relationships tends to be negative and full of doubts. I need to work on improving this self-talk.” I wondered whether there was more to this than a case of negative self -talk. Together we began exploring the effects of the relationship reciprocity and not Helen’s individual cognitions. *Helen is…
