Parenting Through Stages of Development – A Parent Hope Project podcast series
A parent listening to the Parent Hope podcast asks: What about clearly defiant tantrums rather than just a child struggling to delay gratification? Any ideas on how best a parent can be a resource?
Parent’s Question: Just listened to your podcast. Found the questions to ask myself from the podcast very helpful but would love to hear an alternative example where it’s a circumstance of clear disobedience.
It’s tough to avoid trying to change the child in a circumstance where you actually do need them to change their attitude & do what you’re asking them to do… eg. This morning it was nonnegotiable that she needed to get dressed before we went to the shops.
The question that comes to mind for me is: What does my parent leadership look like. How do I make my expectations clear to a toddler and have a response I can action when disobeyed? Getting down at eye level and saying calmly but sternly, “I won’t put up with you disobeying Mummy do you understand? I expect you to do as I ask. I know you know how to behave.”
This conveys a firm ‘I’ position
And here is the follow-up feedback from a parent reclaiming calm leadership with her little one.
I’ve been much more confident with our toddler this afternoon after having the time to reflect & get clearer. Also, acknowledging what I was doing that was unhelpful. Still hard work though, as I currently feel continually tested.
And the next day:
Really proud of myself tonight. Toddler was upset again about ……………………….. I stayed calm, supportive & empathetic but unwavering in what the outcome needed to be. I stayed present with her and she eventually accepted it & settled to sleep
This is an example of a parent growing their agency rather than trying to coax the child to comply. It is not a technique but about a parent asking questions of themselves and making adjustments rather than trying to be all things for their child.
The questions for reflection suggested in the podcast are:
When I look back at my interaction
• What helps?
• What am I doing that isn’t helpful?
• Is the interaction promoting self-regulation or fuelling dysregulation?
Dr Jenny Brown
Listen to more – with the example of toddler tantrums in our new podcast series: PARENTING THROUGH STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT – follow on your podcast app.
Restoring your confidence as a parent by making yourself the project and not trying to change your child
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