In a previous blog we met Pam and saw how she was interacting with her anxious son Hamish to try to get him to school. She described the details of her morning pattern with Hamish and her husband Bill (step dad to Hamish). Pam identified that her primary energy was being directed towards Hamish: worried…
What can one family member do to bring some maturity to a system where ‘cut off’ is occurring? I received the following question via Facebook. I have changed some of the details in order to write up my reflections as a public blog. “My question relates to my mum and my younger sister who have…
As a parent where is most of Pam’s energy directed? Is it to trying to handle her son? -Or reacting to Bill her husband and son’s step-parent? – Or towards managing herself in relation to her son and husband? It’s useful to think back over an…
Joe was beginning to see how his best efforts to help his daughter and family to have happy times together were actually contributing to a lowering of Chloe’s resilience. This is the next instalment in the story of one parent, Joe, as he worked to figure out how he could be a resource to his…
It’s not always about compromise I was asked if the outcome of a constructive disagreement always involves compromise. It’s interesting that many people assume that resolution requires a degree of compromise or giving up something. When disagreements are managed maturely with good contact, avoidance of triangles and people expressing their own experience and perspective, there…
It’s natural to want to fix and change a child/adolescent who is struggling to manage life. Hence it may be a surprise to hear that a first positive stage for a parent who is worried about their child/adolescent is to figure out the predicable steps in parent – child and family interactions. This requires close…
How reactions and relationship to parents has shaped 2 contrasting courtship experiences. Hayley and Dan met at a mutual friend’s wedding. They experienced an immediate spark and keenly saw each other several times the week following their introduction. They both sensed that they shared much in common and matched each other creatively. It was easy…
“I know that my ‘self-talk’ in relationships tends to be negative and full of doubts. I need to work on improving this self-talk.” I wondered whether there was more to this than a case of negative self -talk. Together we began exploring the effects of the relationship reciprocity and not Helen’s individual cognitions. *Helen is…
Talking to a friend or family member about concerns you have about their parenting (or indeed any relationship) is a fraught arena. People are happy to hear their friend’s ideas about external things – professionals to go to, new family activities, and extracurricular offerings, holiday destinations – BUT none of us like to hear input…
The story of Helen who had put all of her focus on her relationship with her grandchild and had stopped working on having an adult relationship with her son Helen had awaited the birth of her first grandchild with excited anticipation. She had begun shopping for baby items and imagining holding this little piece of…
Sarah* was a competent health professional. She had years of experience assisting families with their children’s development. In her work life, Sarah was steady and confident. At home with her 3 young children it was a different picture. Sarah was gripped by anxiety about her 6 month old child. She was fearful that her son…
It is useful to appreciate that all humans have versions of the 4 instinctual relational sensitivities of attention, approval, expectations and distress. Julia described the way she came unravelled when others were given acknowledgement fortasks she has contributed to. She wondered why she was so sensitive to her boss’s approval and how tied it was…
