Guest mini blog – Katie Small counselling katiesmall.com.au

It’s a new year and a lot of families are managing an array of big changes including kids starting daycare/preschool/school/high school or kids moving into a new year with new teachers, classrooms and peers. 

Change is just one of those things that naturally tends to produce some degree of discomfort for most people (the unknown is not a popular place to be) and this becomes even more complex when a parent is a bystander of their child facing change – cue anxiety! 

A lot of parents (myself included) already begin preparing their child for the change well before it’s even taken place. In the circumstance of school changes, the lead up is often filled with social stories, orientation visits, play dates, books, meetings with teachers, new backpacks, lunch box prep and so on. These are not bad things, in fact they can be really helpful, but can you see how much energy is already being directed towards managing the change for the child? Before the school year has even begun our mindset has already been shaped to expect increased stress levels and prepare to reduce them.

For some, school change is a breeze and children waltz off into their new environments with confidence and excitement. For others, it’s the opposite and teachers are literally peeling the crying child off of your leg (hello, it’s me!). For others, it lands somewhere in between. Wherever you land, I think most parents can agree that it’s not easy and the greatest challenge for a parent is to stop obsessively watching our kids to see if they’re coping for a second and turn our attention to ourselves. How am I managing myself in all this? Could my discomfort be contributing to how my child is coping/not coping?

An example for me this week was when my daughter who started preschool last week with great ease all of a sudden was clinging to me in tears and wouldn’t let me go at drop off. It confused me because she had been doing so well – so I knew it was an opportunity for me to reflect on my part in the process. When I looked back at the morning that had come before it I realised that I had woken up feeling a weight of guilt about my first day back working evenings, which meant I wouldn’t see my kids until the next day. When my daughter woke up saying she felt sick and didn’t want to go to preschool my heart sank and I began reassuring her it was probably just butterflies because it was mummy’s first long work day for the year. At drop off when she became visibly upset I responded with a intensity of cuddles and repetitive reassurance, I even looked over to the teacher and said ‘it’s my first day back working evenings, I think she’s upset about not seeing me tonight’. During it all I could feel my guilt and my sadness building, eventually we did the peel from my body and I walked out feeling deflated. 

It’s quite subtle, but can you see where I let my behaviour be controlled by my anxiety instead of my clear thinking? My daughter never mentioned once about being worried about my first long work day, that was me! I provided that idea to her and she ran with it, it affirmed my already existing guilt and I increased my level of intense emotional focus on her. I was struggling and she felt it. After this reflection, the next day I approached the morning and the drop off with a commitment to keep calm, steady & find opportunities to exhibit my belief in her capabilities. When it was time for me to go she began to show some mild distress, I took a deep breath, came down next to her, looked her in the eyes and said ‘I know it’s hard, but I know you can do this’ – she looked back at me with a little smile and nodded her head and off I went. I’m not sure what happened for her next, but I do know that I observed a great deal of increased steadiness in myself – and this steadiness did not come from a dependence on how my daughter was coping/or not coping, it came from my own clear position on how I wanted to manage myself in it all.

Here are some questions I have been asking myself over the past few weeks in order to tease apart some intense emotions with my own clear thinking in relation to challenging school/daycare transitions:

1. How are my own levels of anxiety going? How much discomfort am I experiencing at drop off/pick up, separation, school meetings, lunch preparation etc?

2. What behaviour is indicating that anxiety might be present for me? What does the discomfort lead me to do?

Some examples:
– Crying after drop offs or not being able to leave – staying with the child for extended periods
– Difficulty concentrating throughout the day & wondering ‘how are they doing?’, checking the daycare app for updates repetitively or calling to check in with teachers
– Panic shopping expensive healthy lunchbox snacks, staying up too late perfecting cucumber animal shapes, writing special notes or laying out uniforms – waking up exhausted
– Irritable with spouse and/or other household members
– Bribery (need I say more here?..)
– Accommodating misbehaviour
– Taking child out for excessive treats after school
– Calling friends and family to complain about issues you’re having with the teacher/classroom etc
– Peppering our child with too many questions about how their day went

And so on…

3. How is my child responding to my anxious behaviours? What is helping and what isn’t? What can I observe in our back and forth?

3.  Do I understand what is so uncomfortable for me about this change?
(e.g. seeing my child upset/struggle, being away from them etc). 

4. How can I work on managing myself calmly in relation to this change?

5. How can I tease apart the intensity of my emotions from the facts? What do I know is true?
(e.g. they are safe, they are capable, they/I will survive, this is a growth opportunity for them/me, how did I/we make this decision to send them to… etc). 

6. How can I use this time as an opportunity to step back and give my child space to grow? a chance to learn how to manage themselves amidst change without me fixing things/rescuing them from it?

7. How can I behave towards my kids that shows I believe in their capacity to manage themselves?

8. What am I responsible for & what am I not? 
(e.g. I am responsible for getting them to school on time & with packed food, I am not responsible for how they experience their day).

If you’re anything like me in this endeavour, may the force be with you!

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This content was originally written for the Katie Small counselling blog. To access her counselling services visit www.katiesmall.com.au.