Becoming More Differentiated in the Parent Partnership –  Beyond the Parenting United Front 

“The ‘parental we-ness’ presents the child with a locked-in ‘two against one’ situation which provides no emotional flexibility.” 
“I began working toward developing an individual relationship between each parent and the child. Nothing but good things have come from this principle. … When it is possible to separate the parental we-ness early, the change in the child is usually rapid and dramatic. Even a very young child is capable of managing a relationship to either parent.”² 

 
In Part 1, we introduced the core idea of differentiation-based parenting: being both separate and meaningfully connected with our children. Metaphors like “swimming in our own lane,” “riding our own bikes alongside each other,” or “rowing separate boats in the same pond” illustrate this concept. 

Equally important is applying this principle within the parenting partnership. Differentiating in the marital or co-parenting relationship greatly benefits children as they develop their own sense of self. The goal is to observe our reactions to the other parent and focus on changing ourselves instead of trying to change them. 

Differentiation in the Parent Partnership 

Isn’t it easy to get reactive as we watch our parenting partner struggling in their parenting (which happens all the time as we figure out how we best parent each child at different life stages)? Parents often fall into the trap of perceiving their partner as either too hard or too soft, compensating by becoming overly firm or overly lenient themselves. 

Differentiation-based parenting, however, involves: 

• Taking responsibility for our own parenting decisions. 

• Avoiding critiques or directives aimed at the other parent. 

 Focussing on the other parent creates more fusion that the child naturally reacts to.   

Here’s how it looks in practice: 

• We don’t jump in to correct the other parent  

• Instead, we prepare to talk to our parenting partner at a calmer moment – without the child listening in.  

• We might say what we’ve observed and what they’re thinking about the best way to respond and invite our parenting partner to share their thinking. We prioritise talking together and being a resource to each other. 

• Giving feedback about our observations and thinking is not done as a criticism or with a directive tone for the other to change.  

• We ask ourselves if our motivation in our communication is to change the other versus connecting to and understanding the other. We learn to keep our mouths shut if it is a “change the other” agenda. 

• When a child complains about the other parent, we commit to not getting in the middle and undermining our spouse. We might convey to the child that we think their Dad or Mother is trying their best to be a good parent and that they need to go back and talk to that parent. We show confidence that they can work it out.  

Staying Grounded in Your Space 

At the heart of differentiation-based parenting is grounding yourself in your own space while allowing your child and partner theirs. Represent your values as a parent by managing what you can control—starting with your emotions. Let thoughtful reflection guide your actions, ensuring emotional reactions don’t overshadow parental wisdom. 

Progress, Not Perfection 

Differentiation is a gradual process. You won’t always get it right, but every experience offers an opportunity to learn and grow. Over time, taking small steps toward reducing enmeshment with your children can transform family dynamics, creating an environment where each member’s growth is supported. 

When parents direct their energy toward self-management, they discover their role in fostering their children’s resilience. Instead of feeling disheartened when efforts don’t yield immediate results, they embark on a sustained journey of agency and hope. This approach nurtures a family life that promotes long-term growth and connection for all members.