Finding Balance in Parenting: Love, Support, and Space 

Dr Jenny Brown 

The Parent Hope Project approach draws inspiration from Bowen family systems theory, specifically the concept of Differentiation of Self. Murray Bowen describes this as the ability to: 

“be emotionally close to members of their own families or to any other person without fusing into new emotional oneness (stuck-togetherness).¹” 

It may surprise you that it is not specifically a parenting style but a longer-term parenting project. Hence, it is not gentle parenting, authoritative parenting, attachment parenting, emotion coaching parenting, or behavioural consequences-based parenting, although the parents may employ some of these ways of responding as they build their sense of agency. The core aim is fostering connection without over-fusing with our children. 

This concept is crucial for addressing the rise of intensive parenting, which has evolved over the past century. The multitude of approaches emphasising children’s needs, emotions, brain development, and mental health easily contribute to parental stress and feelings of inadequacy. 

What is differentiation-based parenting? 

At its heart, differentiation-based parenting is about parents becoming more self-aware while maintaining a strong, loving connection with their child and other family members. It encourages parents to: 

• Recognize their separateness from their children, understanding that both are distinct individuals. 
• Avoid being overly directed by their children’s moods and behaviours. 
• Stay curious rather than worried, watching and getting to know their children 
• Prevent emotional reactivity from dictating their parenting choices. 
• Practice letting clear thinking connect with their feelings   
• Not let emotions get exaggerated and distort clear problem-solving.  

Feelings remain essential to their parenting, but as Dr Murray Bowen was known to say, they can take steps to shift their feelings from being a raging volcano to being a sprinkling fountain. They notice their sensitivities to their different children and how each child predictably responds. From this awareness, they adjust their responses to the child without impinging on the child’s development of responsible independence.  

The Goal: Separate Yet Connected 

Differentiation-based parenting aims to create relationships where parents and children are both connected and separate. Parents redirect their energy toward self-awareness and intentionality in their interactions. They are interested and engaged with their children’s uniqueness as they represent their goal of being a loving presence while allowing the child space to grow in resourcefulness. This shift moves away from reactive parenting techniques toward principled decision-making. 

The Path Towards Differentiation 

The journey begins with parents increasing their capacity to observe themselves in interaction with their children and others. It entails stepping back to notice the detailed back-and-forth that goes on in relationships. The focus is on the self in the back-and-forth patterns, as this is the space where parents can make changes for the good of all. Attention is paid to how the child responds to the parent and how the child triggers parents’ reactions. This differs from focusing on the child… instead, the child is viewed as part of the system. 

This approach highlights: 

1. Identifying triggers and emotional responses. 
2. Recognizing how their behaviour influences their child. 
3. Adjusting their responses in ways that promote clarity and reduce intensity. 

Parents become alert to what triggers them, how they respond emotionally and behaviourally, and what thinking gets activated. In turn, they become aware of how they impact the child and consider what is in their control to adjust. They reduce the intensity in their parenting and become clearer about their principles to guide what they say and stay silent on—and what they do and don’t do. 

Differentiation in Practice 

Let’s say your young child is having a tantrum and refusing to clean up their toys (you can imagine a similar scenario with an older child). 

The parent might go with the child to a quiet space and get down at their level to make eye contact. 

They might say to the child in both a caring and serious tone –  

• I know you know the rules about pack-up time – What made it so hard for you today? 
• I get that it’s hard to stop doing something fun.  
• I know you can learn to do that without getting so upset.  
• What do you think? Is that something you can practice? Maybe tomorrow? 
• One of my jobs as your parent is to help you practice not getting so upset and angry when fun things stop. 
• I will give you the chance to practice this next time it happens.  

And next time, they might say: 

• if you don’t pack up when you know it’s time, I will move these toys away for the rest of the day.  
• Do you have any questions for me?  
• I love you and will do my best to help you learn these important things. 

This approach focuses on being present and intentional rather than seeking immediate fixes. It promotes the child’s growth toward self-regulation and character development.  

Equally it promotes a parent’s growth in their self-regulation.  

• When a parent is aware that they can’t access that thinking in the moment, they might say: I don’t want to join in and add any more anger. I’ll take a little quiet time for myself. (The parent gets some space to think about how they can respond helpfully.) 

• The parent prioritises thinking about how they are managing the situation. They remain interested in watching how their child manages their stirred-up emotions and deal with not getting what they want.  

 In summary parents: 

1. Pause: The parent avoids escalating the situation by taking a moment to calm themselves. 
2. Think: They reflect on the long-term goal—helping the child develop self-regulation and responsibility. 
3. Respond: After calming down, the parent engages with the child calmly. 

Can you see that this approach is not about specific techniques or strategies but about a parent’s sturdy presence with their child? It’s not about a quick fix to unruly behaviour but relating in ways that promote a child’s separateness in connection, leading to improved self-regulation and good inner character development.  

Why Differentiation-Based Parenting Matters 

Differentiation reduces emotional fusion and intensity in family relationships. Fusion occurs when parents’ sensitivities to their children override their ability to make clear, thoughtful choices. Children often pick up on this intensity, reacting to it rather than learning to navigate their emotions independently. 

By fostering separateness within a loving connection, children learn to: 

• Set their own goals. 
• Solve problems independently. 
• Manage natural emotions like disappointment and frustration. 

We don’t want our children’s development diverted by their anxious responses to us. Instead, we want them to grow to respond as unique young people who grow up relating rather than reacting. They can grow up responding with their unique capacities, temperaments, and gifts.  

Children begin to flourish in the security of separate and loving relationships. Even parents’ small steps towards this separateness in connection will visibly improve the tone of the family and its members’ functioning.  

Conclusion 

Differentiation-based parenting isn’t about specific strategies or techniques but about cultivating a sturdy, intentional presence. It’s a long-term commitment to fostering relationships that balance connection and independence, benefiting both parents and children as they grow together.