By Jenny Brown | Parent Hope Blog 

Classrooms, like families, are emotional places. Children bring their anxieties, resistance, energy, and confusion. Adults bring their values, responsibilities, hopes — and sometimes, their stress and emotional reactivity. In this emotional mix, we are constantly affecting one another, often without realizing it. 
We’re not just individuals having isolated reactions — we’re part of emotional systems, playing out predictable patterns and cycles. 
So how can a teacher remain steady, clear, and connected in the middle of it all? 

In my work with families and schools, I’ve seen that good leadership doesn’t begin with controlling or directing others. It starts with a grounded self — a person who leads from principle, not panic. This is the heart of Bowen family systems theory, and one of its most practical applications is called the “I position.” 

What Is the “I Position”? 
At the center of Bowen’s family systems theory is differentiation of self — the capacity to stay calm enough to think clearly and hold onto your values, even in the middle of emotional intensity. In other words, to lead yourself before trying to lead others. We work to stay connected while also being able to define what we stand for. 
The “I position” is how a more differentiated adult expresses themselves under pressure. It allows a parent or teacher to define what they are — and are not — willing to do, not as a tactic or demand but as a statement of personal clarity and responsibility. It’s not easy to switch our energy from reacting to others to managing ourselves, but it’s a worthy effort over time for our growth and capacity to help others. 

In our Confident Parenting Course, we talk about parents holding a stance based on their values and on what they can control. For example, a parent calmly says: 
“I’m available to support your efforts with homework between 7 and 8 PM. If it’s not started by then, I won’t be available to help.” 
A teacher might say: 
“I’m happy to explain the task again during lunch or after class, but I won’t fill in the answers for you.” 
Different settings. Same grounded posture. 

But First: See the Pattern, Notice the Fusion 
Before we can take an “I position,” we need to notice where we’re emotionally entangled. That means stepping back to observe the patterns we’re part of — the cycles that play out in classrooms and families day after day. How much of our energy is going into managing others? Bowen called this fusion — when our functioning gets overly wrapped up in another’s emotions or reactions. When we’re fused, our clarity depends on how others behave. And that’s where we lose our footing. 
Fusion sounds like: 
– “If my student isn’t listening, I must not be doing it right.” 
– “If my child is upset, I can’t relax.” 
– “If the class doesn’t calm down, I have to take control — now.” 

These are signs we’ve been emotionally swept into the system. Differentiation begins with noticing, observing, and asking: What’s my part in this pattern? Where do I get hooked? 
From there, we can begin to choose differently. 

From Parenting to Classrooms: Why It Matters 
Teachers and parents often face the same emotional challenges: resistance, defiance, and testing limits. It’s so easy to react — to clamp down harder, give in, or withdraw. But reacting rarely changes the pattern; it often reinforces it. 
Defining ourselves with an “I position” offers another way forward. We do not try to fix or control the child, but we clarify our stance. 
It’s a move away from power struggles and toward principled leadership — the kind that says: “This is what I’m choosing to do, regardless of what others do next.” 

That’s the kind of leadership I’ve seen make a real difference — grounded, steady, and clear. 

Differentiation in Action: Classroom Examples 
Real-life application makes all the difference. Below are a few ways teachers have applied their “I position” in emotionally charged moments: 
When Students Talk Over the Teacher 
“I am willing to pause instruction until I can be heard clearly. 
I am not willing to continue teaching when the room is noisy. 
Because I value clarity and want everyone to have access to the lesson.” 
If the noise continues, the teacher quietly walks to a corner of the room and says: 
“I’ll be teaching over here for those ready to join me.” 

When Students Argue or Challenge 
“I’m willing to discuss concerns respectfully at a designated time. 
I’m not willing to engage in back-and-forth during instructional time. 
Because I value productive use of our class time.” 

 When Students Resist Routines 
“I’m willing to support students’ learning routines. 
I’m not willing to adjust classroom procedures each time there’s resistance. 
Because I value fairness and consistency.” 

 When a Student Swears 
“I am willing to address students respectfully, even when they’re upset. 
I am not willing to respond to profanity in the moment. 
Because I want to sett an example of composure.” 

How It Helps — And Why It’s Not a Quick Fix 
Importantly, the “I position” is not a communication technique or a discipline strategy. It goes deeper than that. It’s the posture of a thoughtful leader — one who brings their best without getting caught in unhelpful patterns with children, whether by trying to control or rescue them. 

This level of leadership doesn’t rely on clever tactics. It comes from knowing yourself, staying steady in your values, and leading from principle rather than reactivity. 

The effort to represent our “I position” isn’t a shortcut to instant harmony. In fact, things may get bumpier at first. The child often pushes back when adults stop participating in the unhelpful back-and-forth. 
But here’s the key: the escalation no longer runs through you. 
Over time, your steady stance reshapes the emotional field. Students — and children — begin to respond differently. Not because you’ve forced them to change, but because your consistent, calm presence changes the pattern. 
They start to respond to your calm. They respect your clarity. Even if they don’t show it right away, the tone has shifted. Children begin to lift up their functioning when others aren’t pushing or doing it for them. 

Final Thoughts: The Ripple Begins with You 
The “I position” isn’t a behavior strategy. It’s not a classroom trick or a parenting technique. It’s a reflection of who you are — and how you choose to lead in emotionally intense spaces. 
It asks you to: 
– Observe the emotional patterns you’re part of 
– See where you’re fused or reactive 
– Step back, reflect, and clarify your values 
– Respond with calm, principled direction 
Whether you’re a parent at the dinner table or a teacher facing a noisy classroom, your steadiness is the starting point for real change. We don’t try to change a child. Instead we 
Start with ourselves. Hold steady. The ripple effect is real — and it begins with the ‘I.’ 

Curious to learn more? Explore our school-based training options rooted in Bowen family systems theory and the Confident Parenting framework.