In my last Parent Hope Podcast interview, this quote from my guest Dr Marshall Ballentine-Jones, stood out:

“What we ultimately want for our children is agency—the ability to own their choices. But while they’re still developing, their capacity to regulate impulses and manage powerful influences is limited. So as parents, we’re juggling protection with preparation.
The goal isn’t to control them forever—it’s to help them grow into responsibility. That means reasoning with them, not bludgeoning them with our views. We meet in the middle, look at the information together, and guide them toward wise decisions.”

There’s so much here for parents and carers. Isn’t this what we most want—to help our children grow in responsibility? If they develop inner responsibility and agency, isn’t that the bedrock of resilience and a balanced esteem for self and others?

In my family systems parenting course, I share research on children’s psychological autonomy and its link to healthy functioning[i][ii]. This echoes Dr. Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self—the ability to think and feel as an individual while staying genuinely connected to others.

How do we promote this?

Firstly, we don’t try to make our children more responsible. Instead, we relate in ways that support responsible independence. The moment we make them a project, we interfere with their autonomy. They react—with needy dependence or rebellious pushback. Both are relationship reactions, not mature independence.

So we shift focus from changing our children to managing ourselves with them. This can be a game changer—the foundation for a relationship climate that fosters responsibility and psychological autonomy.

When we decide how we want to show up as parents, we find balance—the balance Marshall described between protection and preparation, sharing our views and listening to theirs.

I think of parents who are addressing their teens’ online exposure to sexualised content. Before guiding their teens’ digital lives, they manage themselves. Instead of panic, shame, or sudden crackdowns, they pause and regulate their emotions. They shift from “How do we stop this?” to “How do we show up differently?” Taking ownership—“I haven’t asked enough,” “I want to understand,” “I need to be clearer about my expectations”—they move from confrontation to connected leadership. Calm authority replaces fear. Conversations open. Boundaries grow from trust, not power struggles.

Have a think about how to guide your children without crowding the development of their values and their ability to set their own boundaries. Saying no to what we can withhold – yes to what we can support and sharing the values that guide us in being the best parents we can be to foster our children’s coping capacities and character development for life.

[i] Steinberg, Laurence. “We know some things: Parent–adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect.” Journal of research on adolescence 11, no. 1 (2001): 1-19.

[ii] Ryan, Richard M., Edward L. Deci, Wendy S. Grolnick, and Jennifer G. La Guardia. “The significance of autonomy and autonomy support in psychological development and psychopathology.” Developmental psychopathology: Volume one: Theory and method (2015): 795-849.